Playwriting
Excerpt, The Nose by Susan Basso [McCauley], adapted from the short story by Nikolai Gogol as translated by Ronald Wilks, Scenes 2-4
(Up stage right, the barber’s room has transformed into that of the bedroom of Major Kovalyov; the downstage area is to be used for the street; up stage left, the office of the Police Commissioner and the newspaper office; and downstage centre is the cathedral.
At rise of scene 2, the Major is asleep in his bed.
The Major stirs and makes a “brring” noise with his lips. He stretches in bed, sighs contentedly and rises for the day.
He walks over to the mirror on his dressing table, and leans forward as if to inspect a pimple on his nose.
But, his nose has gone! Vanished! There is nothing left but a smooth, flat surface on his face where his nose should have been.
The Major begins shrieking for his servant, Ivan.)
MAJOR KOVALYOV
My nose! Water! Get me some water!
Footman Ivan scurries in with a bowl of water and a towel.
The Major takes the water and splashes his face with it, then rubs his eyes with the towel.)
MAJOR KOVALYOV
My nose! How can it be? My nose is gone!
MAJOR KOVALYOV
Don’t just stand there, my clothes! Get me my clothes! I must speak to the Head of Police immediately. My clothes!
Scene 3
(From his flat, the Major arrives on the street. He looks about himself with great suspicion and fear; his over coat pulled tightly about him and his handkerchief covering his nose as if it is bleeding.)
MAJOR KOVALYOV
Perhaps I dreamt it! How could I be so stupid as to go and lose my nose?
Two women, an older one, Mrs. Alexandra Podtochin, and her pretty young daughter, pass the Major on the street.
The Major smiles slightly.
The younger woman looks down and giggles.
The Major, knowing the ladies, fixes his linen collar, and straightens the seals hanging on his gold watch chain, then turns his attention to the slim, pretty girl.)
MAJOR KOVALYOV
(almost forgetting about his nose)
Ladies!
He smiles and nods at them, about to say something more, then remembers his lack of nose and immediately ceases his flirtatious smile and continues on his way.
He again looks about, but he is now alone.)
MAJOR KOVALYOV
Well, thank God there’s no one else about. (he checks for his nose again) Damn it! What kind of trick is this? If only there were something to take its place, but there’s nothing!
(The Major walks briskly, looking about for his nose. He bites his lip in nervous annoyance then is stopped dead in his tracks when walking towards him, impeccably dressed in a gold-braided uniform with a high stand-up collar, chamois trousers, and a sword at its side, he sees his nose!)
MAJOR KOVALYOV
How is this possible?! How is it that my nose can walk about so? It’s my nose!
Awkwardly, the Major moves towards the nose, not sure of how to get its attention.
First he coughs, but the Nose doesn’t seem to notice. Then, he gets up enough courage to move closer to the Nose.)
MAJOR KOVALYOV
My dear sir. (he clears his throat) My dear sir . . .
(turning towards him)
What do you want?
I don’t know how best to put it, sir, but it strikes me as very peculiar . . . Don’t you know where you belong? And where do I find you? In church, of all places! I’m sure you’ll agree that . . .
Please forgive me, but would you mind telling me what you’re talking about? Explain yourself.
(He nervously clears his throat again)
Of course, I am, as it happens, a Major. You will agree that it’s not done for someone in my position to walk around minus a nose. It’s all right for some old woman selling peeled oranges on the Voskresensky Bridge to go around without one. But as I’m hoping to be promoted soon . . . Besides, as I’m acquainted with several highly-placed ladies: Madame Chekhtaryev, for example, a state councillor’s wife . . . you can judge for yourself. . . I really don’t know what to say, my dear sir. . . (he shrugs his shoulders) Forgive me, but you must look upon this as a matter of honour and principle. You can see for yourself . . .
I can’t see anything. Please come to the point.
(smugly)
My dear sir, I really don’t know what you meant by that. It’s plain enough for anyone to see . . . Unless you want . . . Don’t you realize you are my own nose!
THE NOSE
My dear fellow, you are mistaken. I am a person in my own right. Furthermore, I don’t see that we can have anything in common. Judging from your uniform buttons, I should say you’re from another government department.
The Major is left standing there not knowing what to say or do.)
